so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
