I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
