Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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