go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
