you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
