Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
