i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
