Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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