I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
