Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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