I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize