I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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