Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Mom said you looked used
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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