jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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