A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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