Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
