the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
