I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
