We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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