I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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