Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
