end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize