i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize