The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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