i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i love accidental penises.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
