So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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