before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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