I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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