I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
