I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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