I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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