Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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