If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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