I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I wear drunk well.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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