Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
