Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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