Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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