tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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