i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
