Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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