I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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