Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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