i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
