1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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