i was rollin on her like bob the builder
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
