I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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