I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
