I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
