I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize