I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize