I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
