Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
