Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
