i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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