your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
