i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
