Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
