he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
