"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
