I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
